Archives for October 2012

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Ten Pieces of Stuff About Blissdom

October 31, 2012 By

 

The Pantry Girls with Top Chef Carl Heinrich

Ten days after The Bliss, I am finally sitting down to write about it, and I find myself not knowing where to start. It is impossible to capture everything about an event like Blissdom in a single blog post. Should I talk about the ten best things I learned? A chronological account of the whole weekend? Selected highlights? Profiles of some of the people I met?

Initially, I was going to cheat and collect tweets about Blissdom from fellow delegates. Having just come off a half-marathon, Blissdom, and a three-day autism symposium all in the space of two weeks, I was tired, and I was tempted to write my Blissdom post using the words of other people. With full accreditation, of course.

In the end, I decided to keep it simple – and in my own words –  and talk about Ten Pieces of Stuff About Blissdom, in no particular order. Because putting these into any kind of meaningful sequence could make my brain explode.

1. If you’re planning to leave your kids and husband at home in order to have a relaxing Blissdom weekend, it’s not going to happen. The relaxing part, that is. When you have a gathering of a couple of hundred moms who don’t get out much, the socializing and wine drinking gets a little intense. You will have an awesome time, but you will not be relaxing.

2. There were microsessions on the Saturday morning that I absolutely loved. The microsessions are round table discussions with a small group of people, facilitated by an expert, and it’s an opportunity to really focus on the specifics that apply to you. It was such an honour to meet and talk to renowned Canadian writer Ann Douglas, and I learned a lot from her.

3. I collected many business cards, each representing a new contact. Said business cards are currently sitting in my purse, and I need to spend a bit of time going through them and getting in touch with everyone, so that those contacts stay active. The people I met were awesome, and there is potential to do great things with them in the future.

4. On the Friday morning, some of us were in the studio audience of the Marilyn Denis show, which is a popular Canadian daytime TV talk show. It was fun to be there, and it was interesting to get a behind-the-scenes look at what happens during these shows. Also, my co-workers got a kick out seeing me on TV during my three seconds of fame.

5. At blogging and social media conferences, there is free stuff. A lot of it. I really needed to allow extra space in my bag to bring home the books, the coffee mugs, the pillow, the samples of food, and so on.

6.The costume and karaoke party was a blast. I got into the spirit of things and dressed up as The Flash, but no amount of money would make me take part in the karaoke. It was fun to see other people take the stage, though. It was also fun to see the creative costumes that people were wearing. There was a Christmas tree, Facebook, Cher, Mitt Romney’s binders full of women, and much more. I was one of a posse of superheroes, but on that particular night, we all took a much-needed break from fighting crime and saving the world.

7. As a slightly neurotic person with social anxiety issues, I was not wild about the idea of sharing a room with people I did not know. But my roomies – Nolie and Jenn – were fantastic to spend time with. They were an essential part of my Blissdom experience and I am immensely grateful to them for putting up with me.

8.Due to the aforementioned neurosis and social anxiety, I tend to feel a little out of place when I’m among other people. I envy the ability of others to converse with ease with complete strangers, and I feel awkward as I stand in a quiet corner with my wine, desperately scanning the room for someone I might know. At Blissdom, I did not feel this way. I was among other writers, many of whom are just as introverted and socially anxious as me. I felt as if I was hanging out with my own kind. Ironically, being with fellow introverts helped draw me out of myself a little.

9. On the Friday night, I went out to dinner as part of a group that christened itself the Pantry Girls. Our dinner was prepared by the winner of Top Chef Canada, and it was outstanding. The food was good, the wine was good, and the company was a lot of fun. We were in an alcove area that appeared to function at least partially as a pantry, hence the name of our little group.

10. The whole weekend was capped off with a wine-tasting excursion in the Niagara region on the Sunday. I almost bailed – I had gone to bed at about two in the morning and woke up with a hangover for the second consecutive day. Was more wine really what I needed? In the end, my inner wine affectionado prevailed and I had a great day.

Now I am left with memories, a ton of people to contact, Blissdom swag. I am also left with the goal of losing some weight before next year’s Blissdom with the intention of being a slicker looking Flash!

(Photo credit: Kirsten Doyle)

Filed Under: Blissdom Canada, blogging, Conference, Social Media, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , ,
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Teen Series Part 3: Don’t Make Empty Promises

October 30, 2012 By

Last week I introduced you to Vicky Rinfreschi, a South African teenager with wise words. She has a close and open relationship with her parents, and her love and respect from them can be clearly seen in her words. Last week she gave advice that can help parents attain that kind of relationship with their teenage kids, and today she is back with more. Without further ado, here are the rest of Vicky’s words, uncut and unedited.

DON’T MAKE EMPTY PROMISES! This is just as bad as lying. My parents aren’t perfect but they are pretty close. Even so this was an area when we used to butt heads quite a lot. Now that I’m older I do understand – but at the time it caused me hours of misery. You have to be aware that a child’s memory is loads better than that of an older person. They remember EVERYTHING! You will say a mindless comment like, “Not now honey just a bit later and I PROMISE I will play that game with you.” Or “Next weekend I PROMISE we will go to that shop and find it”. Everyone has said something along those lines just so you could get a moments rest. But then did you do it? My parents had a track record of 6 out of 10 when it came to doing that thing later (if it wasn’t a priority – such as a board game etc.). I understand that to an adult your child’s little requests aren’t such a high priority, like Kirsten said, worrying about feeding your kids is higher on the list than going to the beach; but to your child , even your teenager (though you might find it hard to believe), nothing could be more important. It’s a cry for quality time. It may even be (as it was for me) that your child wants to distract YOU from your worries and make you smile for a period of time no matter how small. So before you make that statement make sure you can back it up with action and before you blow off that action think about how nice it would be to connect with your child before you’re no longer the centre of their life. That period of time when your child idolises you won’t last long. Enjoy it now and maybe, just maybe they will never stop idolising you. I haven’t. Everyday I strive to be as wise and loving as my mom and as smart, strong and as caring as my dad. Be the parent you wished your parents were, and trust me you won’t go wrong.

Another big issue is MONEY. Be honest about your finances. I remember when I was little I had no concept about money; I just knew what I wanted, when I wanted it and that was often right then and there. Most parents make the mistake of saying no to their kids without giving them a reason – leading that child to believe that “my mommy/daddy don’t love me because they wouldn’t get me that toy/chocolate.”  Don’t make that mistake. My family have been through ups and downs when it comes to finances. Some years money was abundant and birthdays, weekends and Christmases were filled with all sorts of goodies. But some years money was tight (really tight) and we couldn’t afford the little goodies that make children feel loved, but my parents where HONEST about it. Yes I would be disappointed for about 5 seconds but I got over it because IT WASN’T THAT MAY PARENTS DIDN’T LOVE ME – they would have bought me the earth if I so desired it. Don’t think that just because we are young we won’t understand. We perceive a lot more than most adults. Show your kids that they don’t need little gifts for you to prove your love – good old fashioned quality time at home with a soccer ball or board game does the trick ten times over. So give up a little television or facebook time and play a game with your child. Trust me. That’s a foundation that you should nurture from the beginning.

The biggest thing and maybe the main reason why I consider my mother one of my best friends and my father my advisor, is because they never let me forget, not for 1 second, how much they loved and supported me. IN EVERYTHING, NO MATTER WHAT! It may seem frivolous; but to randomly go up to your child and tell them that you love them and that you are proud of them actually makes a huge difference. Especially (even though most won’t admit it) to a teenager. He/she might have had a typical downer teenager day at school and you, with no hidden agendas, telling them how much you love and them, could turn the dark cloud they have been nurturing with self-loathing thoughts, into a fluffy pink one filled with love and confidence. You don’t need a reason to express your love for them. And make sure they know that no action could change how you feel;  yes you might get mad or be disappointed for a bit but that’s because your love runs so deep and so strong that you wish you could take away all the problems and hurt. Let them know that you are a safe place for secrets and advice. DON’T BREAK THAT CONFIDENCE EVER!!!!

In short; treat your children as you would want to be treated, because they will do as you do and not what you say. Trust your kids and they will trust you as long as you show them that they can. And most importantly earn their respect by showing them respect and your relationship will evolve into a beautiful friendship that will last for the rest of your lives.

(Photo credit: Vagawi. This picture has a creative commons attribution license.)

Filed Under: Guest Posts, parenting, Teens, Victoria Rinfreschi Tagged With: , , , , , , ,
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Open Letter to Ann Coulter

October 23, 2012 By

Dear Ann Coulter,

Before I get to the point of this letter, I want to get some preliminaries out of the way.

I don’t agree with your political views, and I don’t like the way you present them. I find you to be offensive and abrasive, and generally disrespectful to your fellow man – even those who check the same name you do in the ballot box.

This is not about politics, though. While I have been kind-of following the US presidential campaign, I don’t have a stake in it. I do not live in the United States, and the outcome of the election will not affect me in my day to life. I am just a Canadian mom muddling through life as best I can, striving for the happiness and wellbeing of the two children I have had the honour of bringing into this world.

I have many of the typical modern-day mom challenges. My boys keep me busy, I spend too much time commuting so that I can work full-time to provide for my family, and my husband and I can barely squeak in any time for ourselves.

In some ways, though, I am not really typical, because both of my children need some extra help. My younger son is struggling with reading and writing. My older son has autism. They are both highly intelligent, you understand, but they have their challenges.

Ann, my older son – the one with autism – does not have any friends. He has been invited to exactly one birthday party in his whole life. He does not know how to play with other children, and when he comes home from school, he is not able to tell me what his day was like. He is different from other kids, and it is obvious.

But do you know what? Not once has any child said a mean word to my son. I realize that as he approaches his teenage years things may become more difficult for him, but until now, he has never experienced anything but tolerance, acceptance and kindness from other children.

No, the nastiness – the looks, the snide comments, the sniggers – have come from adults. It has been the so-called grown-ups who have shepherded their children to the other side of the playground. It has been the grown-ups who have smirked in the face of my son’s public meltdowns and told me that my child “needs a good hiding”. The grown-ups have been the ones to stare rudely at my son’s stimming while their own children have acted as if nothing out of the ordinary was happening.

Ann, the one time I heard someone refer to my child as a retard, guess who it was?

Yep, you got it in one. It was an ADULT. Someone who really should have known better.

Someone who freely uses words like “retard” without any care for how it might hurt other people.

Someone like you.

Do you know what connotations that word has for a special needs mom like me? Do you realize that you are tossing out a term designed to hurt and ostracize children like my son? Do you have any idea that this word is exactly what is stopping my son and thousands of others like him from being accepted as a valuable part of society?

Do you even care?

I’d like you to take a moment to look at the picture at the top of this letter. Really look at it. Look into the eyes of that sweet, innocent child, and then tell me if you feel good about being so insulting to him and doing your part to damage his chances of acceptance and happiness.

If you must trash-talk the presidential candidates, please do so without using words that are offensive and divisive.

Thank you.
Just another mom

Filed Under: Acceptance, autism, Insensitivity, Politics Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,
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Teen Series Part 2: “You Don’t Learn Respect, You Earn It”

October 23, 2012 By

Last week, I was honoured to have a wonderful guest post on my blog from South African teenager Alex. The post was a candid and honest view of the world from the eyes of a sixteen-year-old. Today, we hear from Alex’ best friend, Victoria Rinfreschi. Vicky is the daughter of a dear friend of mine who seems to have been getting it right when it comes to raising teenagers.

Vicky sent me plenty of words, too many to fit into one post. But I did not want to edit or cut a single word, so Vicky’s post will run in two parts. Here is the first half – uncut and unedited.

My name is Victoria – but I prefer to go by Vicky.

I currently live in Cape Town South Africa, with my parents and my older brother. I’m 16 years old. I’m currently training to be a waitress at my local spur (a South Africa food franchise based on American cuisine). I take maths lit (aka maths for stupid people – no really it’s a waste of life), English, Afrikaans, Tourism, and 2 practical subjects namely Visual Art and Design. I take 2 extra subjects; Sport Science, Italian and an extracurricular; Animation (learning graphic programs and how to animate anything you want).  I’m a qualified level 3 first aider and I write little news articles and draw cartoons for my school’s media portfolio. My parents say I do too much – sometimes I feel I don’t do enough.

When I get out of high school my goal is to study at a graphic collage. I don’t quite yet know what I want to do – but I know my field. The only thing that interests me (and the only reason I go to school) is to draw or express myself creatively in a medium of my choice – be it clay or charcoal/graphite, paint or mixed media, or even just on 3D max, my life revolves around Art.

Okay, so now you know a bit about me. I’m an “artsy-fartys” person, who works too hard, sucks at maths, and takes subjects she finds useless. Good, now that we have that out of the way, it’s time to get down to business. I’m going to write about my personal experience and what l have learnt and know. I’ve had these conversations with my friends on many occasions and I remember the thoughts behind the words. I will touch on what I feel are some of the key mistakes most make – and maybe reading this will help you have that better relationship with your child now , before those adolescent years.

Something that I didn’t mention above is that I’m possibly one of the luckiest teenagers out there. My parents got it right from the start, the Lord knows how they did it – but I certainly don’t.  Working at a family restaurant I constantly see things that shake me. Such as parents leaving their children (ages varied form 3-4 to 7-8) unattended at the restaurant for hours only to return and be upset that they can’t find their kids. Or cursing at their 5 year old telling them that they should go and die because of some arb little reason. You don’t realise it now, but the foundation you lay with your kids from the beginning determines how they will be as teenagers. It infuriates me when parents complain about how their teens are “rebellious” or need to learn respect. Well let me tell you something. YOU DONT LEARN RESPECT- YOU EARN IT! You determine how your children are going to turn out! Every word, every look, every action, imbeds itself in your child for eternity! They might not consciously remember it and you might not either but it’s there, burrowing away at their subconscious and eating away at the relationship you are trying to forge many years later.

I always knew where I stood with my parents. This is key. Everybody craves certainty. We can’t function or grow properly without it! It’s a basic need. It was my certainty that no matter what I said or did – they would ALWAYS love me, they would never take their frustrations out on me and they would ALWAYS (I shall repeat for emphasis) ALWAYS be honest with me. It was this that made it so easy to form such a great bond with my parents and make it what it is today (at the “height” of rebellious actions and puberty). If your child asks a question – no matter what it is, answer it honestly. Believe it or not, we can all tell a lie from a fact and we will question your integrity if you can so easily lie straight to our face. We aren’t going to listen to a hypocrite. Why should we be open and honest with you if you can’t lend us the same curtsy? Besides we won’t be able to trust you – you’re liar. At the end of the day it’s not what’s wrong with your teenagers; it’s what’s wrong with you. As babies we have no say about how you treat us or act around us. But as a young adult we can choose not to take it anymore.

Yes I admit when I grew up I asked some pretty difficult questions; and to be honest I mostly did to test my parents – often I already knew the answer, I just wanted to see if they would tell me the truth. And they never failed me in that respect. Don’t underestimate your child. We know a lot more than adults give us credit for. They always answered me honestly, but they always gave me just enough information that was appropriate for my age at the time.

(Photo credit: Woodley Wonder Works. This picture has a creative commons attribution license.)

Filed Under: Guest Posts, parenting, Teens, Victoria Rinfreschi Tagged With: , , , , , ,
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Scotiabank Toronto Waterfront Half-Marathon: 2012 Run For Autism

October 17, 2012 By

It is raining and I am starting to get cold. I have already surrendered my jacket to the baggage check tent, so I am standing in this foul weather with shorts and a short-sleeved T-shirt. There is no shelter and the only thing keeping the rain off my face is the peak of my hat. This is good. I cannot abide water on my face. The line-up for the Porta-potties – a standard feature of the starting area of every race – inches forward too slowly.

Soon I will be toeing the start line of my fourth Run for Autism, and I feel more than a little emotional as I think about the reason I am running this race. Every mile is dedicated to a child with autism, but really, this run is for all kids with autism everywhere.

I wrap my arms around myself and shiver, both from cold and anticipation.

It is starting to rain harder.

The morning of the race was a little chaotic, made worse by the rain. We had circled around city blocks for about forty minutes in search of somewhere affordable to park. As a result, my designated warm-up time was taken up by the Porta-potty line, and when I had done what I needed to do there, I warmed up by jogging from the Porta-potties to my place in the start line. The massive scale of this event meant that this was a reasonable jog – enough for me to satisfy myself that my tight left leg and niggling back pain wouldn’t hinder me during the race. At some point right before the race started, I noticed that the rain had let up, and the conditions were now perfect for a run.

A fair distance ahead of me, I heard the starting siren go off, signalling the release of the runners in the first corral. My friend and coach Phaedra was somewhere in that group, and I silently sent good wishes to her through the ether. I knew that by the time I crossed the start line, Phaedra would have done at least two kilometres, possibly closer to three.

The siren went off again, and the second wave of runners was off. My corral was next, and I shuffled forward with the crowd. Just as the anticipation was building up to an unbearable level, the announcer counted down to the start, the siren went, and we were off.

The course was different this year. In prior years, half-marathoners ran down to the Lakeshore and stayed there for most of the out-and-back route. This time round, the route took us around more of the city streets before turning onto Lakeshore. I like some variety in my routes, and I really enjoyed the changes.

For the first few kilometres, I comfortably stayed ahead of my target pace. I restrained myself from going out too hard, and I felt good. I had initially pondered the idea of running with a pace bunny, but I quickly dismissed that idea. I always worry that if I run with a bunny I will be running their race, when I really should be running my race. This season in particular, I have become a lot better at running smarter as well as faster, so I really didn’t need to pace myself against another runner.

Which is why I am somewhat baffled that when I unexpectedly found myself alongside the 2:10 bunny just before the halfway mark, I decided to stay with him. I was so caught up in the excitement of the day, and at that point I was feeling strong, and those two factors together probably sent any sense of logic out the window. As good as I was feeling, I had never intended to run this race at a 2:10 pace.

It worked for about 3K, but then I started to fade. I drifted to the other side of the road and let the bunny go, and for the next 5K or so, I was able to maintain my original pace.

The bad news is that the damage had been done. My efforts to stay with the pace bunny had made my tight left leg flare up, and the nagging little pain in the small of my back started to extend down my left buttock, where it intersected with the pain in my leg.

The good news is that by this point I only had 2K to go. My body was screaming at me to stop. I felt as if my leg was on fire, but the thought of all of those kids with autism, including my own child, kept me going. I was going to stop at nothing to finish this race.

The final kilometre can only be described as agony. My left leg was actually twitching and I was running at a limp. The finish line kick that I usually pride myself on was replaced with a series of stops and starts, but I did still manage to run across the finish line.

If victories are made sweeter by how hard you work for them, then this one was the sweetest of them all. Of all the half-marathons I have done, this one was definitely the hardest.

In spite of how tough those last kilometres had been, I still ran a personal best, crossing the finish line in a time of 2:17:31. I actually cried as the finisher’s medal was placed around my neck.

Tears of pain. Tears of joy. And most of all, tears of love for my son who is my inspiration.

(Photo credit: Kirsten Doyle)

Filed Under: Half-Marathon, Injury, Race, running, Running for Autism, Scotiabank Toronto Waterfront Races Tagged With: , , , , , , ,
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Teen Series Part 1: “We’re Not So Different Than You”

October 15, 2012 By

As a parent, I spend a lot of time trying to get inside my kids’ heads. I try to see things from their point of view in order to understand their motivations, and hopefully parent them in a positive manner. As they grow older, though, it becomes more complicated. Kids develop more of a sense of individuality and they strive to find their way in this world. Our children become teens who feel misunderstood and unrecognized. They have a sense that no-one is really listening to them, and hearing what they want and need.

And so I invited teens to send me their thoughts. I am genuinely interested in hearing what they have to say. These people are a crucial element in society. They are our next generation of educators, police officers, medical professionals, tradesmen and government representatives. They are the ones who will be parenting our grandchildren and steering the direction of society. We have to hear what they say. We have to try and understand them so that we can help them reach their greatest potential.

Today, I am thrilled to introduce you to Alex Zeeman, a South African teen. Here are her words, unedited and uncut.

My name is Alex Elizabeth Zeeman I am 15 years old turning 16 in October. I live in Cape Town South Africa. I love to read, I love
animals, school (I know weird right? 😛 ), playing pc games, watching movies, anime, manga and of course hanging out with my friends.

You asked us to write what we as teens feel or fear, basically you asked us to help you as adults to understand us, but in truth we’re
not so different from you. We think worry and fear the future. We get scared, make mistakes and yes sometimes what we do is quite stupid, sometimes what we say is quite stupid and yes sometimes what we think or how we act is quite, well simply, stupid. But we are teens. I know that’s not an excuse, but it’s as close to one as I can give.

Being a teenager, I personally think, is one of the hardest stages in a persons life. Teens get all the reality checks and “hard lessons”
that shape us into the adults that we will become. Teens experience a thousand heartaches and heartbreaks in 7 short years. We cry a lot, we shout a lot, and occasionally we hang out with the wrong crowd.

Teens are basically hormone driven destruction machines. Everywhere we go we bring some sort of grief. It’s not like we try to, it’s just
what happens when you have a hormone filled adolescent in a confined space for an extended period of time. I know what I’m saying may not be all that helpful but I’m not a teen that has experienced even a fraction of the pain that some teens have. I haven’t gotten so low that I’ve given up. I haven’t been given up on. I haven’t been abused or wronged. I haven’t been hurt, well I have, but not irrevocably.

But yes adults sometimes don’t get what teens go through every single day. How hard it is to get up in the morning to go to school.
Sometimes the very thought of looking into the same judging eyes can be quite tiring, quite scary. For me the bravest people on this planet are teens. We face so much, and yet we are treated as children, we’re thought as being children but we’re not. We don’t think like children, we don’t act like children. Teens grow up much, much, much faster than children. And sometimes yes we are a tad immature and sometimes yes we do do incredibly stupid things but more often than not we want some kind of recognition. We want to be seen, we want to be heard. My happiest moments are when my parent say that they are proud of me. I love making people proud of me. But for some teens the only way that they can be seen, or heard is by doing incredibly stupid things, by acting incredibly stupid.

I’m not an expert, I’m not a shrink, I am simply your average teenager.

I cry, I laugh, I get angry and frustrated and stressed. I love and I hate. I’m not a bad person but teens aren’t. More often than not we’re
simply misunderstood.

These aren’t anybody else’s thoughts, these are mine. These are my views and this is what I think, if it helped I’m glad, if it didn’t
well at least I tried.

(Photo credit: Ava Weintraub Photography. This picture has a creative commons attribution license.)

Filed Under: Guest Posts, Teenage Years, Understanding Tagged With: , , , , , , ,
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Book Review: Running for Women

October 8, 2012 By

I often tell people that I run because there’s not really anything to it, at least from a skills point of view. My hand-eye coordination is terrible, and my aim is so bad that I wouldn’t be able to hit a barn with a tennis ball from two feet away. With running, I don’t have to do any of that. All I have to do is put one foot in front of the other and make sure I don’t trip over any pumpkins (almost happened once).

Running is just running, right?

Well, no. Runners can be sliced and diced in many different ways. Fast runners and slow runners. Heel strikers and mid-sole strikers. Sprinters and distance runners. Road runners and trail runners. Old runners and young runners.

There are all kinds of books out there that tell you how you are “supposed” to run. They give advice about nutrition, training programs, how to run up hills, how to prepare for races, and much more. While the information contained within these books can have a lot of value, it is highly generalized.

There is one book, however, that addresses the differences between two very distinct groups of runners – men and women.

We all know that men are generally faster and stronger than women, but most of us don’t give much thought to the reasons for that. Is it just that men have larger physiques and higher muscle mass? Or is something else going on?

In Running for Women, Jason Karp and Carolyn Smith delve into the science behind it all. This interesting book talks about the reasons for men’s generally superior performance, and how women can turn their biological differences into advantages. We also learn that in certain classes of athletic events, women may actually be naturally better than men.

Are you a pregnant or new mother? Are you an older, post-menopausal woman? Or perhaps a younger woman wondering how to effectively run at “that” time of the month? Have you been wondering about whether your diet is giving you what you need? Running for Women will give you some valuable pointers to keep you on the road, healthy and happy.

The authors are certainly well qualified to talk about these topics. Jason Karp is a running expert and sports physiologist who has coached some of the best athletes in high schools, colleges and clubs. Carolyn Smith  is a sports medicine physician and accomplished distance runner who has excelled in a variety of ultramarathon distances.

A word for the faint-hearted: this book is not light reading. It goes into a lot of scientific detail that requires some concentration to digest. But reading the technical stuff does lead to a much broader understanding of how a woman’s body works and how to maximize the benefits of having been born with two X-chromosomes. And if you’re like me and have a fascination with all things scientific, you will find this book hard to put down.

(Review copy of “Running for Women” and cover image provided by Human Kinetics.)

Filed Under: Book review, Carolyn Smith, Jason Karp, Running for Women Tagged With: , , ,
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An Anniversary of Loss

October 2, 2012 By

Ten years ago today, I lost my first baby during the second trimester of pregnancy. Looking back, it’s remarkable that the pregnancy got as far as it did, having been fraught with problems from the very start.

The doctor I had at the time was absolutely dreadful. When I told her that I was having problems, she said I was being paranoid. She said that first trimester bleeding was “normal” and resolutely refused to refer me for an ultrasound. I tried to point out that every hit I got on Google disagreed with her, and she proceeded to make me feel like an idiot for having researched my symptoms.

What did I know, right? She was the doctor, and she made it very clear that she was the one with the knowledge.

Her attitude only got more arrogant and patronizing after my husband and I took matters into our own hands and went to the emergency room, where an immediate ultrasound was ordered. There was the baby, with a heartbeat and everything. The growth wasn’t what it should have been, but that did not deter the doctor. Apparently I was so stupid that I did not even know when my last period had been.

Not that I’m bitter or anything. I mean, the doctor had the worst bedside manner in the history of doctors, but it’s unlikely that better treatment would have changed the outcome. I was devastated when I lost my baby, but to be honest, I wasn’t all that surprised. No part of me had expected that this pregnancy would go to term.

The doctor could have helped prepare me, though. Perhaps if she had just been honest about what was almost inevitable, if she had told me where to go for support, the aftermath would have been easier to bear.

Or maybe it wouldn’t have.

Yes, it probably wouldn’t have.

I’m still mad at her though, after all these years. No-one deserves to be treated the way she treated me.

I always feel conflicted on this anniversary.

On the one hand, there is sadness, a feeling of loss, and a “what if” kind of wondering.

But on the other hand, if that baby had lived, I wouldn’t have George. And I just cannot imagine life without George.

Sometimes I wonder if perhaps the whole chain of events happened for a reason, that all along it was leading up to the arrival of this beautiful boy who had been waiting in the wings the whole time, just waiting for his moment to be born.

My baby took a piece of me with her when she died. But she gave me so much more by paving the way for George’s arrival.

 

Filed Under: Baby, Doctor, Pregnancy Loss Tagged With: , , , ,