When it comes to parenting my kids, I say all the same things that most mothers say. Everyone has Bad Mommy Days. I’m only human. I have to take care of myself in order to take care of my children. Even when things aren’t going so well, I need to remember that I’m a good mother.
But who am I kidding, really? Like most mothers, I expect myself to be perfect at all times, and I take the concept of guilt to a whole new level. Even more so than the Catholics do.
I pile one thing after another onto my plate, and somehow I manage to keep all the balls in the air most of the time. In the event of me dropping a ball, it’s always one that pertains to my own physical or mental health. In other words, I make it a priority to take care of everyone else, but I just kind of accept that it’s OK for me to neglect myself in the process.
This does not make me special by any means. Most mothers do this, and we all know that we’re not supposed to. We all know that the world won’t end if we take a bit of time to ourselves instead of putting on that load of laundry so that Little Johnny can wear his favourite shirt to school tomorrow. But we head right on down to the washing machine anyway.
Let’s face it, this whole equation is grossly unbalanced. I mean, here I am, a mom of a kid with autism and a kid who’s just a little – you know, spirited. I work full-time, freelance on the side, help the husband with his business and take care of household finances. That’s before I even get to the laundry.
It gets really tricky when it comes to my mental health. This is a subject that I am generally not comfortable talking about, but I feel that it’s important. Many, many mothers – myself included – have to deal with the reality of coping with mental illness while being the best parents they can possibly be. And it’s hard, because as scared and vulnerable and anxious as we may feel, it is our instinct to be strong for our kids.
This week is particularly tough, and here’s why. At this week’s therapy session, me and my therapist started the process of delving into a part of my life that was, to say the least, traumatic. I was describing a specific event – not glossing over the story, but describing everything in detail, and reliving the whole mess all over again.
A process like this comes with a certain amount of psychological fallout. My nerves have been in tatters and my emotions are raw. I am not sleeping, because all of a sudden my mind is being forced to try and process stuff that I’ve been keeping buried for the last twenty years.
And I am a mom. I have kids to take care of, autism meltdowns to deal with, boo-boos to kiss better, hugs and affection to bestow.
Being a mom and dealing with mental illness are not really activities that complement one another. And when I have to choose between taking care of my kids and dealing with my issues, guess who wins every single time?
While I’m putting on a brave face for my kids, though, my feelings are still there. I am still feeling the stress, the trauma, the anxiety, and depending on the day, the depression. I am still staying awake until late at night because I’m afraid to go to sleep and face the nightmares.
But I do what I have to do for my kids, because no matter what weirdness is going on inside my own head, parenting will always be the most important thing I ever do.
I know that I am not alone. I know that there are other moms out there who live with mental illness. I would love to hear from those moms, to find out if – and how – they keep things balanced.
(Photo credit: darcyadelaide. This picture has a creative commons attribution license.)
I have yet to find balance. I break down routinely. I neglect my physical and mental health to care for my child. I can’t find balance.
I hear you! I always tell myself how important it is to have that balance, but parental instinct always wins out.
I really think you hit the nail on the head with this post, Kirsten! I don’t think ANY of us really get the balance right. We seem to be pre-programmed to worry about everybody else’s well-being rather than our own …. with sometimes tragic results!
What I learnt when I was in Kenilworth Clinic is that the best way to take care of my kids is to take care of myself! They kept repeating the story that you need to place the oxygen mask over your own face before you can assist others with putting on their oxygen masks. Not that it’s EASY mind you! It is necessary, though, because who’ll take care of your kids if you can’t?
Also, we tend to be too hard on ourselves and forget that NOBODY on Earth is perfect and has it all together! Maybe, if we’re kinder to ourselves and cut ourselves some slack, some of those horrible, debilitating feelings will also abate somewhat. Meanwhile know that you’re not alone, and that you are loved and admired! <3
Simona, the oxygen mask analogy is so appropriate – a very good way of putting it. Thank you for sharing that!
Thank you so much for bringing up this issue. When my youngest child was in grade 9 she started acting up and rebelling against her parents. Since I was a stay at home mother most of the disipline issues fell onto my plate. This caused major friction between my husband and myself. The stress level it caused me was almost unbearable. I felt totally alone. I am sure other people were aware of the situation but no one offered to help. All I got was critisim or snide comments like “get a grip” or “snap out of it”. By the grace of god and some professional help I managed to survive it… Why are people so critical and mean??
Janice, parenting is so damned hard, isn’t it? I’d be willing to guess that the people who give you those snide comments either don’t understand what it’s like, or understand all too well but want to hide it. I am glad you managed to get through it. The fact that you did gives hope to some moms who may be feeling a little overwhelmed by it all. Thank you for stopping by and commenting.
this rings so true … some ways i try to take care of me and manage my anxiety …
i listen to relaxation/don’t panic apps on the way to work (see andrew johnson), i listen to my body – when my brain starts humming and getting more noisy, i try to make sure i go to bed early and exercise hard – like get a sweat going – run, even for 15 minutes, play a competitive sport – it really helps you be in the moment and not think of those others.
if i am at home – try to break up the tasks – do 15 minutes of laundry but then do 15 minutes for you – watch a stupid tv show or make a cup of tea or lay down. – schedule appointments for yourself – check if you have any health coverage for massage or osteopathy then book it and a sitter if need be and go – focus on inner peace of mind
Kirsten,
First of all, you are amazing! Reading all that you do clearly shows how strong you are. I have bipolar 2 and ADD. I struggle constantly with the guilt of not being an organized mom (keeping the clutter at bay). I’m often embarrassed to have play dates because I don’t want to be THAT mom who has a mental illness and can’t manage. My counsellor has reminded my time and again that I have to weigh my expectations and reality. My solution? Get everyone on board with keeping things organized and let go of the ideal that I need to be a perfect Domestic Goddess. Changing habits for me is slow, but healthy rituals that have helped are going for walks, journalling, watching Russell Peter videos on youtube etc.
In my experience it’s better to process difficult emotions with formal support ie counsellor, psychiatrist, than with friends or family because it’s easy to get stuck in the role of the weak one and then no one wants to “burden” you with their issues…it’s easy to be labelled fragile.
Lastly, especially during very difficult moments I do an energy inventory. Where is my energy going? If it’s being zapped by anyone in particular or a memory or negative thoughts I remind myself “This is a waste of energy”, and I try something, no matter how small, on my list of healthy, positive things to do in order to shift the energy (Like have a tall glass of ice water. It’s good for my body and brain).
All the best Kristen