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Giving Up A Race

Well, this is crap. I am registered for the Toronto Womens Half-Marathon at the end of May, and it looks like I won’t be able to run it. I hate, hate, hate having to give up race registrations, and there’s a part of me that still wants to try and run this race. But training has been hard when it’s happened at all. There has been too much going on – like the small business of getting married and all of the planning that went with that.

I’ve still been running, don’t get me wrong. But my distances have not been as long as I’d want them to be, and I haven’t felt quite as strong as I’d like.

And now I’ve gone and caught a cold. Not a bad one, but just enough to make me feel like I shouldn’t take a chance on running. And to complicate matters, the nerve in my neck that got damaged last year has been acting up. This happens from time to time: I feel that uncomfortable numbness in the fingers of my left hand that is accompanied by a slight aching sensation in my arm as I run. My gut keeps on telling me that if I try running a 21km race a mere two weeks from now, I will get injured and sideline myself for the rest of the summer.

My gut is always right. I know better than to second-guess my instincts.

It’s not all bad news, though. I am looking for another half-marathon to run in late June or early July (if anyone knows of anything within reasonable driving distance of Toronto, let me know!), and I have submitted my registration for my annual Run for Autism, meaning that soon I will be able to start fundraising.

I may be temporarily down, but I am by no means out.

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A Friend Who Saved The Day (And My Sanity)

I met my friend Fran about fifteen years ago. We met more or less by default: my boyfriend and her boyfriend were old high school buddies. We always got along well enough, but we didn’t really become firm friends until just over two years ago, when Fran emailed me to tell me she was moving to Canada. By then both of us had long split from the boyfriends who had been responsible for us meeting in the first place.

Despite living on the other side of the country, since Fran came to Canada she has visited me in Toronto several times. During her first visit we ran a race together. I did the 10km race and Fran – running in her first race ever – did the 5km. During that same visit, she assembled an outdoor grill that I had been given and that had me stumped. This is why you have friends who can put helicopters together. Seriously. That is what Fran does for a living.

During Fran’s visits, we always seem to go through an inordinate amount of wine. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Most recently, Fran came to my wedding. I can safely say that if she hadn’t been there, I would have been lost. She arrived three days before the wedding, when I was roughly halfway through a week-long nervous breakdown. By this point, she had already helped immensely, having offered to play flute music at the wedding ceremony (Fran can fix helicopters and play the flute like an angel).

On the day she arrived, Fran and I went driving all over the place, picking up the guest favours, sorting out a camera for the as-yet unconfirmed photographer, buying crafty stuff to make the guest favours look pretty.

The following day, while I was running around like a chicken with its head cut off and doing frantic last-minute shopping, Fran calmly took charge of the guest favours. She spent the day wrapping them, putting ribbon around them and even adding a bit of hand-written calligraphy to finish them off. They looked gorgeous.

I have to pause at this point to give credit to my Mom. She helped with the guest favours too. Enormously. For a day and a half the two of them – Fran and my Mom – were at it, working hard to make everything look perfect. If it hadn’t been for them, I honestly don’t know what I would have done.

Fran also helped keep me from unraveling completely at the seams. During the day, she was offering practical help with all kinds of things. During the evenings, she kept me supplied with wine, good humour and great conversation.

On the day, she drove back and forth to the reception hall with her friend Corrigan, dropping off things that needed to be dropped off and helping keep everything in line.

And of course, there was the music at the ceremony. It was beautiful, it was personal, it made the ceremony complete in a way that some random organist could never have managed. The musical interlude continued at the reception, where Fran and Gerard’s cousin Liam played a wonderful set of Celtic music. They played together effortlessly, despite having met and practised together for the first time the previous day.

Then there was the photography. We had a number of people present with cameras, many of whom are very capable photographers, and Fran was one of them. She took hundreds – literally hundreds – of fantastic pictures that are a wonderful record of a perfect day.

Fran, if you’re reading this, thank you does not begin to be enough. You came through for me in so many ways at a time when I really needed it.

Next time you’re coming to town, let me know and I’ll stock up on wine.

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Remembering the Captain

Captain Snuggles would have been one year old today. His mom, Amy, should be wiping birthday cake off a sticky face and cursing about how difficult it can be to get new toys out of packaging these days. Instead, she is going to the cemetery to visit a tiny grave.

Amy, if you’re reading this, my thoughts are with you today. I am sending you love and hugs, and wishing for a day of peace for you.

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Remembering the Captain

Captain Snuggles would have been one year old today. His mom, Amy, should be wiping birthday cake off a sticky face and cursing about how difficult it can be to get new toys out of packaging these days. Instead, she is going to the cemetery to visit a tiny grave.

Amy, if you’re reading this, my thoughts are with you today. I am sending you love and hugs, and wishing for a day of peace for you.

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A Special Moment In The Light

As Gerard and I made our way down the aisle towards the church exit as just-newlyweds, we shared a special moment. It was one of those moments that succeeds in being private and public all at the same time – and we were lucky enough to have it captured in a series of photographs.

As we walked down the aisle, we saw a ray of bright sunshine breaking through the stained glass windows and landing directly on the aisle, like a beautiful natural spotlight. When we reached the light, we paused and took our moment…

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Overwhelmed

My thoughts are very scattered today, and I’m not sure why.

Is it because my Mom left this morning, and I won’t see her again for maybe two years, maybe more?

Is it because our out-of-town guests are gone, I’m back at work, and now we have to adjust to some kind of normal life?

Could it be sadness over the sudden and unexpected loss of a friend whose memorial I will be unable to attend?

Or perhaps thoughts of my friend Amy, who will mark her son’s first birthday tomorrow beside a headstone with his name on it, are weighing on my mind.
Maybe it’s because I’m having to accept that the half-marathon planned for the end of this month is not likely to happen, because life has been getting in the way of training and I don’t want to put myself at risk of illness or injury.

Maybe it’s just a combination of all of these things. Maybe my mind is overloaded. Whatever it is, I feel like I need a good cry.

Tonight, after the kids are in bed, I might do just that, aided by a hefty glass of wine.

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A Final Goodbye

One of the guests at our wedding gets a special mention today: our wonderful friend Ken, who was there with his equally wonderful wife, Jo-Anne.

I’m not sure exactly how Ken and Gerard met, but it was over thirty years ago. In years gone by, Gerard spent many Christmases with Ken and his family, and for the last several years, I myself have been on the receiving end of Ken and Jo-Anne’s kindness and hospitality. They have been great friends to us. We have shared meals and laughs with them.

Many, many laughs. I have always referred to Ken as the only guy in the world who is as weird as Gerard.

Ken and Jo-Anne’s presence at our wedding was truly a blessing. The day just wouldn’t have felt right without them. When I said goodbye to Ken that night, I had no idea that it would be for the last time.

Six days after the wedding, Ken died suddenly at his home, taken by an aneurysm.

The news has been a tremendous shock to both Gerard and myself. But among the shock is pure gratitude that Ken was there to share an amazing and special day with us. Our final memories of Ken are fine ones indeed.

May Ken rest in peace. May his wife Jo-Anne and his son Will find themselves surrounded by strength and love.

If there is such a place as heaven, it has become a very, very funny place.

Goodbye for now, Ken. Your friendship and laughter will be sorely missed.

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I Made It Down The Aisle!!!

Just married!

I tried, really I did.

I had the best of intentions to keep posting every day during the time leading up to my wedding. I thought it would be easy. Reposts. Pictures. A few sentences thrown together for the sake of getting something published.

Little did I know just what the final week of wedding planning would be like.

There was stress. There was much driving around getting things finalized. There were late nights spent at the computer finishing seating charts, printing place cards and drawing up itineraries as friends and family members helped wrap guest favours and keep me supplied with wine.

There was chaos, there were arguments, there were final negotiations with vendors.

What there wasn’t, was time. Not a scrap of it. Every second counted in that last week. The night before my wedding, I was still printing place cards at midnight.

So much for going for de-stressing runs.

So much for relaxing and going for a manicure on the final day.

Do you know what, though? On the day, everything came together perfectly. I had a beautiful, beautiful day. The flowers were lovely. The kids were absolute stars. I felt like a princess, sitting in the limo sipping champagne. The people surrounding me all day snapping pictures made me feel like I had my own paparazzi.

Even the weather cooperated. We got one perfect day of sunshine, that my Mom says was ordered by my Dad.

Best of all, most amazing of all, is that at the end of the day, I had the most amazing husband a girl could wish for. Every now and then, my heart flips as I look at my man and think, “I’m married to him!”

I feel like the princess who got her prince.

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He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother (2010/04/23)

With the arrival of my Mom yesterday, I did not have the time or inclination to post. However, I do still want to keep up with the Post A Day challenge, so for the next two weeks, while I’m doing stuff like visiting with my Mom and getting married, you may see a number of reposts. Like this one… I thought it would be fun to unearth the post from this day in 2010…

My boys have fallen into a new sleep routine.  At bedtime, we do all the stuff we always did.  They get their jammies on, use the bathroom, brush their teeth (most days they have a bath earlier in the evening).  For story-time, I sit on my glider chair between their beds – the same glider chair that saw me through countless night-time feedings when my boys were infants.  George gets right into bed, James curls up on my lap, and they each drink their milk while I read a story (current flavour of the day: anything to do with Thomas the Train).  After the story, James gets into his bed, each of them gets a sip more milk, and the lights go out.

About five minutes later, we usually see a little face quietly peeking around the corner: George, trying to sneak onto the futon we have in our living room so he can watch TV.  Or maybe he just wants the extra hugs we always give him, because once we’ve hugged him he goes back to bed amenably enough.  At some point during the night, usually fairly early on, he migrates to the sofabed in the playroom, and sleeps there for the rest of the night.

Sometimes I worry about this.  From time to time, when one of the kids is having a hard time, I have to sleep on the sofabed with said kid, and that thing ruins my back.  I always wake up the next morning feeling as if I’ve been tortured by Vikings.  I worry about whether the sofabed is doing to George’s back what it’s doing to mine.  But once he’s there he won’t budge, he sleeps soundly, and he wakes up cheerfully enough.  So maybe he’s OK and I just need to chill out a little instead of finding yet another thing to be perpetually stressed about.

In the meantime, James is sleeping soundly in his own bed.  He’s a little champion at bedtime, James is.  Once the lights are out he goes right to sleep without a fuss.  He usually wakes up in the middle of the night, though – sometime between midnight and three in the morning.  When I found out the reason for his nocturnal awakenings, my heart soared: he gets lonely for his big brother.  He makes his way to the sofabed, climbs in beside George, and goes right back to sleep.  George surfaces just enough to shift to make room for James, then he goes to sleep as well.

I am always the first one in the household to wake up in the mornings.  Some days – like today – I go for an early morning run.  Other days, I like to get dressed, pour out a cup of coffee, and have some me-time at the computer reading emails or playing meaningless games on Facebook.  I love carving out that time for myself in the mornings, before the rest of the world wakes up.

Whatever I am doing – running or playing on the computer – the first thing I always do is check on my boys.  I go to the playroom and watch them sleeping peacefully, each completely at ease with the other’s presence.  They look cosy and comfortable, like a pair of sleepy kittens.  There is always physical contact between the two: James’ hand resting on George’s, or George’s hand lightly touching James’ shoulder.  When I checked on them this morning, George’s arm was flung over James’ shoulders.  It looked big brotherly and protective.

I savour those moments as I watch them and wonder what dreams are going on in those little heads.  Even though they are sleeping, I feel as if I am witnessing a moment of special connection between the two brothers.

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If This Is A Dream, Don’t Wake Me

Today, I have had several moments of realizing just how damned lucky I am. And I found myself wondering, do I deserve all this?

This wonderful man who accepts me for who I am, who knows all kinds of stuff about me, and who loves me anyway, warts and all.

These two beautiful children who run – yes, RUN! – to hug me when I get home from work, and who crawl into my bed at night and wrap their little arms around me, just because they want to be near me.

My friends and family – both far and near – who genuinely want me to be happy, who are doing everything they can to make me feel like a princess as I lead up to my wedding.

People who are getting onto planes and traveling halfway around the world, just so they can be with me and Gerard on our wedding day. How amazing is that?

The generosity and support of my co-workers, who today presented me with a beautiful card and a wedding gift – more than I could have ever expected.

This wedding day that is coming up – a day will be filled with love and joy as Gerard and I embark on the next phase in our journey together.

There is so much bad stuff that happens in the world. Three months ago, a dear friend’s baby passed from this world to the next. Now, a close family member of someone important to us is about to do the same. I have witnessed the tragedy of parents burying their children, I have seen bad things happening to very, very good people.

Sometimes I wonder if I deserve everything I have, when there is so much sadness and suffering in the world.

My mind casts me back to a very dark time in my life, when I did not think I deserved anything.

And I am afraid that at any second, I will wake up and find that all of this has just been a dream.

If it is a dream, please let me sleep, because I don’t want it to end.