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9 Rules Of Parenting That I Don’t Follow

June 13, 2014 By

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1. Don’t let your child have more than 30 minutes of TV or computer time a day

My kids probably get 30 minutes of screen time just before they leave for school in the mornings. Contrary to what we keep hearing, their brains are not turning to mush and they don’t live in a catatonic zombie-like state. They are bright and energetic, there is nothing wrong with their motor skills or my neurotypical child’s social skills, and the games that my autism boy plays have a noticeable positive impact on his speech.

2. Don’t feed your kids processed food

Whoever made this rule probably didn’t have picky eaters. Like most parents, I try to feed my kids a healthy balanced diet that includes fruits, vegetables and all of the right nutrients. Some of the food they eat regularly is processed, and I am unapologetic. If I were to eliminate all processed foods, my younger son would start to look like a starving refugee. The kids will grow out of the processed food and into “real” food – I am already seeing this with my older son, who used to eat nothing but grilled cheese sandwiches with processed cheese.

3. Don’t ever yell at your kids

According to The Experts, yelling at your kids is ineffective and psychologically harmful. Apparently, talking to them softly will cause them to stop what they are doing and listen to you. That has got to be the biggest joke of the century. There are times when yelling is the only effective way of getting them to stop whatever chaos they’re causing. Do I constantly yell at them all day, every day? No, and if I did I would deserve a slap upside the head. But the occasional bout of yelling in frustration is not leading my kids to a lifetime of therapy. They know I love them, because I tell them all the time.

4. Don’t expose your kids to germs

I’m not stupid about germs. I’m not going to dump my kids into the middle of a crowd of tuberculosis patients. I make them wash their hands before meals and after using the washroom. They are expected to maintain acceptable standards of hygiene. But I believe that there is such a thing as too much cleanliness. If my kids touch an unsterilized surface like the handle of a shopping cart, I’m not going to go to war using a bottle of hand sanitizer. I don’t keep them away from places “just in case” someone has a cold. They are strong, healthy kids who rarely get sick.

5. Sit down at the table and have your dinner as a family

I’ve read the statistics: families that eat dinner together at a dining room table are less dysfunctional and more connected. The first problem with that is that we don’t actually have a dining room table. The second problem is that getting the autism boy to sit down for an entire meal is a bit of a challenge. Even in restaurants, he has to get up and wander around from time to time. Our family is admittedly a little bit dysfunctional (show me a family that isn’t), but we are highly connected with one another.

6. Send your kids to bed at the same time every night, even on weekends

I have nights when I’m absolutely exhausted, and I have other nights when I’m too wired up to even think of sleep. My kids are the same. They don’t get tired at the same time every night, so they don’t go to bed at the same time every night. Generally, I try to make sure they’re in bed by 8:30 during the week, but if it turns out to be 9:00 from time to time, it’s not end of the world. Not only that – they are allowed to stay up later on weekends.

7. Treat both of your children equally

I have one son, aged 10, who has autism. He doesn’t talk much and he struggles with social interactions. I have another son, aged 8, who is neurotypical. He is outgoing and talkative. The boys are very, very different from one another. They have different capabilities, different levels of cognitive functioning, and different needs. I love them both with all of my heart, but they have to be treated differently, because they are different people.

8. Always put your kids’ needs ahead of your own

If one of my kids is cold, I will give him my jacket. I make sure my boys are fed before I eat anything myself. If they are sick or scared in the middle of the night, I gladly sacrifice my own sleep so I can comfort them. My heart bursts with love for them, and I live to make them happy and take care of them. Sometimes, though, I have to think of myself first. I have to tune them out to do my own thing, or I have to go for a run before I take them to a park. Because sometimes, if I don’t take care of myself, I am too burned out to take care of anyone else.

9. Don’t let your kids do dangerous things

Look, I’m not going to buy my 8-year-old a Harley Davidson or encourage him to go bungee jumping. But if he’s doing something daring on the playground or riding his bike too fast around our cul-de-sac, I’m not going to stop him. If he falls, he falls. He might get a grazed knee or a bump on the head. If that happens, he’ll get First Aid and the appropriate amount of sympathy, and he will have learned something about what he is physically able to do. I’d rather let my boys test their limits while I’m around to watch, instead of restricting them and forcing them to experiment without proper supervision.

This is an original post by Kirsten Doyle. Photo credit to the author.

Filed Under: Children, family, life, parenting Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,
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Eight Car-Travel Tips For Autism Families

August 15, 2013 By

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I am very fortunate to have a child with autism who is a good traveler. We haven’t braved planes with him yet, but he does very well on public transportation and in the car. Even so, we have to put careful planning into lengthy drives to ensure that he stays safe and happy, and that the rest of the family survives with all their wits intact.

1. Make sure the child locks are engaged. Most neurotypical kids are aware of the dangers of opening the car door while the car is in motion. A kid with autism might tug on the door handle just to see what happens, without regard for the possible consequences. If you don’t know how to set the child locks, read the manual. If you’re in the market for a new car, check it out for safety features with your special needs child in mind.

2. Kids who have trouble with car travel should be eased into it gradually. If your child cannot get as far as the grocery store without melting down, don’t plan a road trip to the other end of the country. Experiment with a few trips of 30 minutes or so. During those trips, try different activities and snacks, until you figure out what works.

3. If you’re going on a long trip, plan your route to include stops at parks or play areas. We all benefit from getting out of the car and moving around from time to time, and it’s good for all kids to expend their energy. For kids with autism, there is an added consideration: those who are sensory-seeking may have a particularly difficult time sitting still in a car, so those activity breaks are often a necessity for them.

4. Some kids with autism cannot tolerate bright light. You might be able to make the trip a lot easier by investing in a shade for the window beside your child. The shades are easily applied with suction cups, and you might be able to leave it to your child to decide whether they are open or closed.

5. When deciding what to bring with you, stick with what you know your child likes. Buying a new toy especially for the trip may backfire. If your child stims by repeatedly stacking eight identical pieces of Lego, bring them along. If he reads the same book over and over, don’t leave that book at home. New stuff might create anxiety and frustration, whereas comfort can be found in the familiar items.

6. If you are planning to hit the road at night with the hope that your child will sleep, follow the usual bedtime routine immediately before you leave. It may still be a little disruptive, but your child will at least be geared for the idea of going to sleep. You may even get away with putting a smaller child to bed and then carrying him to the car once he’s gone to sleep.

7. Be prepared for the possibility of meltdowns. It can happen to the most accomplished of car travelers. If you use reinforcers (in our case, gummy bears), bring along a good supply. Think of your usual strategies for containing or diffusing meltdowns, and consider how you can modify them for use in a moving car (if you can stop, great – but you may not be able to pull over right away).

8. Don’t be 100% focused on the needs of your child with autism. The truth is that no matter how well prepared you are, unexpected things can happen. If you have taken the time to make sure everyone in the car has what they need for an enjoyable trip, the overall ambiance will be a lot more relaxed. That can make the world of difference to the child with autism, and to everybody else who is on the trip.

This is an original post by Kirsten Doyle, published in accordance with my disclosure policy. Photo credit to the author.

 

Filed Under: autism, Car Trips, Meltdown, parenting, Road Trip Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,
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Maintaining The Balance

May 7, 2012 By

I am participating in the 2012 Wordcount Blogathon, which means one post every day for the month of May.

I’ve been feeling disoriented and out of sorts all day. I woke up very early this morning after a night of virtually no sleep, had to deal with an autism meltdown resulting from a power outage, and then due to circumstances beyond my control, had to skip the long run I’ve been itching for all day.

Because of all of this, when I sat down to write this post, I came up empty when I was digging around in the warehouse of my mind for a topic. All is not lost though, because Facebook came to the rescue. I posted a status update asking for topic ideas, and a friend of mine who is a fellow mom immediately fired off a whole list of ideas, that will pretty much see me through the rest of the month.

If anything, I was left with the opposite problem: too many ideas to choose from.

In the end, I decided on this one for today:How does Mom manage parent time, marriage time and self time while also working outside the home?

How indeed?

Moms in general have to wear many, many hats. Special needs moms have to wear even more, simply by virtue of the fact that parenting a special needs child requires a completely different set of parenting skills to parenting a typically developing child. Add to that the fact that I work a full-time job that involves two hours of commuting each day, and I do all of the admin for my husband’s business. I also make sure the household bills get paid, and I am trying to establish myself as a writer.

It can be very, very hard to carve out time for my husband, much less for myself. But for the sake of my sanity and everyone’s happiness, I have to find a way to do it.

I have tried to stay on top of things through a variety of means. Written daily schedules. Routines. Planning. To-do lists.

All of that helps, but it is not the complete answer. I can plan and schedule until the cows come home, but it all comes to naught without one crucial ingredient.

Commitment to go to bed by a certain time.

It is incredible how powerful a simple commitment like that can be. It cannot merely be a commitment with myself – it has to be a declared intention. I don’t exactly post it on Facebook, but I do tell my husband that I will be going to bed at such-and-such a time. Once I make and state it, I feel obligated to follow through. And so my mind immediately calculates how much time I have, and how I can best arrange what I need to do, to fit within that time.

And you know? It works.

By following this practice, I have been figuring out how to do things more quickly. I have also been spending more time with my husband and getting enough sleep to enable to get up early to go running in the mornings.

I don’t always get it right, as some late night status updates on Facebook will testify, but I am doing a lot better than I used to.

Now, if only I could find the time to follow my secret career ambition of becoming a Mythbuster…

(Photo credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/leoglenn_g/5789714663/. This picture has a creative commons attribution license.)

Filed Under: 2012 Wordcount Blogathon, Balance, life, Lifestyle, Marriage, parenting, Special Needs, Working Tagged With: , , , , , ,