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We Survived The Gastro Bug Of 2011

It has been quite a week, one in which both kids made it to the Emergency Room at our local hospital. James’ visit resulted in an overnight stay, which left me feeling exhausted and sick myself. With George, we were luckier. His condition, while similar to James’, was less severe and did not call for any needles or IV lines. We were seen by a really nice doctor, and then sent home with strict instructions on how to orally administer fluids.

Most parents of boys aged 5 and 7 have seen the inside of an E.R. at least once. With this latest visit, James has now clocked up four visits (3 months: hair wrapped around toe so tightly that said toe was turning purple; 2 years: hand placed on rapidly moving treadmill belt resulting in the loss of several layers of skin; 3 years: arm pulled out of joint at elbow by big brother; 5 years: severe dehydration).

George has been somewhat luckier in this regard, having only needed to visit the E.R. on two occasions. This is a good thing – I cannot describe how good. James takes stuff like this in his stride. Sure, he cried when the IV line was put in place on Wednesday night, and he cried when I explained to him that we would be in the hospital overnight instead of going home, but when these things happen, he understands that the doctors are there to make him better. George has a much harder time. His autism makes him resistant to changes in routine, new places, unfamiliar people, and strange smells.

Doctors’ offices are bad enough. Hospital E.R.’s have the ability to send him right over the top. It is a good thing that George has managed to stay healthy and relatively injury-free.

The first E.R. visit, the day after George’s 4th birthday, was prompted by an accident in the daycare he attended at the time. He had been stimming, spinning round and round in circles. The daycare staff were attempting to move George to the centre of the room where he could safely stim without hurting himself, but he lost his balance and fell, hitting his upper lip on the corner of a bookshelf.

The E.R. we took him to was very understanding. We registered him and completed all of the requisite paperwork, and then wondered out loud how we would cope with what was likely to be a long wait. The admitting nurse, realizing that George’s autism would make a hospital wait unbearable for him, told us to go to the donut shop across the street with him. When it was his turn, and when the examination room was all set up, someone would come and get us.

The nurse was true to her word. A hospital orderly came and got us after about twenty minutes, and we were taken straight into the examination room, where the doctor, a nurse, and two other orderlies were waiting. Before George had any clue what was happening, he was placed on the bed, and the orderlies expertly wrapped him up in a sheet like a burrito, so only his face was exposed. The nurse immediately swabbed his face, and the doctor, who was waiting with an already-prepared suture, gave George the single stitch that he needed.

We were in and out of there in less than three minutes. Kudos to all staff at that E.R.

This time round, George had to stick around for a longer time. His utter lethargy, while certainly a concern from a health perspective, definitely helped the E.R. visit go more smoothly than it otherwise might have. He endured the admission tests, with the exception of the temperature check. He was having none of that thermometer business, either at the front desk or in the examination room.

He  allowed the nurse to put a tamper-proof hospital band around his wrist. In the examination room, he tampered with it and got it off (people who make tamper-proof products should really test-drive them on out-of-the-box-thinking auties). I was very concerned about the prospect of an IV line. The kid wouldn’t even keep on a wrist-band. How were we going to prevent him from ripping out the IV line?

Imagine our relief when we were told that IV fluids would not be needed. We were told how to administer fluids, how frequently, and in what amounts. We all got to come home.

*Phew*

A day later, we are all officially on the mend. Well, except for James, who is completely recovered. George has just eaten a jam sandwich – his first real food in three days. I’m no longer feeling nauseous (I still think that was due more to pure exhaustion than anything else). Gerard is a bit more lively than he was yesterday.

And now, hopefully, we return to a “normal” life in the special needs family.

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Round 2

James is home from the hospital. James is fine.

George is now in an E.R. examination room, waiting to be seen by the doctor. IV fluids are being discussed.

He’ll be fine, but I am so looking forward to life being back to normal.

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A Night Away From Home

They should sell T-shirts that say, “I survived my child’s first overnight stay in a hospital.”  Or they should give out badges, like they do in Girl Scouts. Because let me tell you, it is quite an accomplishment. Just one night in the hospital with my son left me feeling jagged and raw. While I was sitting there yesterday afternoon wondering when I would be able to grab a sandwich and a cup of coffee, I sent a message to my friend Amy, expressing my pure admiration for the fact that she did this in a far more serious situation, day in and day out, for five months.

It all started when James started tossing his cookies at the daycare on Monday. For a full 24 hours he was throwing up and having attacks of diarrhea, and even when they kind-of-sort-of passed, he didn’t get better. By the time I got home from work on Wednesday evening, he was still not eating or drinking, and he was crying out from the pains in his tummy.

Recognizing that most kids’ tummy bugs are over and done with in a day or so, and we were now at the end of Day Three, I took James to the walk-in clinic (no family doctor – ours had the gall to retire, citing stuff like “time with family”). The doctor at the clinic examined James for five minutes and decided he wanted none of it. He told me to get James to the hospital. “Now,” he said.

The triage nurse at the hospital was cranky. She was abrupt and acted as if we were inconveniencing her. I didn’t hold it against her. She was nearing the end of what had probably been a long shift in the emergency room, but still. Being cranky with a sick five-year-old seems a bit much. She did her thing and then sent us off to see the admitting doctor – go to the room at the end of the hall and wait in partition D, she said.

The doctor was cranky. He overheard James saying that we were looking for “Number D” and grumpily said, “D is not a number.”

For God’s sake. I mean, I know E.R. doctors are taxed to the limit. These guys are on their feet for long shifts during which they no doubt have to make many life-or-death decisions, but come on. Don’t take out your stress on a five-year-old child who is visibly ill.

Anyway.

The doctor examined James and said that he was severely dehydrated. He invited me to feel James’ hands. I did, and they were ice-cold. The dehydration had made his core body temperature drop right down. We were taken to a dedicated examination room and IV fluids were started. Within 20 minutes, James’ temperature was looking better.

The on-duty pediatrician came in, examined James, and made the decision to keep him in overnight. He was transferred to the pediatric floor, and we were installed in a room. I helped the nurses get James as settled as he could be, and then I lay in the bed provided for me and failed to sleep. Every now and then I kind of sank into a trance, only to be roused by the comings and goings of the nurses who came in to fuss over James every now and then.

James was in much better spirits when he woke up in the morning. He still couldn’t eat, but he requested and received a Popsicle. In a turn of events that was very sweet, when the nurse came in with the Popsicle, he asked her if she would please get another one for his Mommy. We sat there in companionable silence, eating our Popsicles together (and it was so welcome – my throat was parched), and then another nurse came in bearing gifts.  Apparently, every child admitted to the pediatric floor gets a bag of toys that they get to take home with them.

I borrowed a BlackBerry charger from the doctor, and was able to be in touch with the outside world again. I read and responded to emails, James played with his new toys plus the ones his Dad had brought him from home during the night.  Apart from the occasional stomach cramps and attacks of diarrhea still plaguing James, all was well, if a little bit boring. IV fluids continued to drip into his system, and the comings and goings now involved a different group of doctors and nurses.

In the middle of the afternoon, I was finally able to get a cup of coffee and a sandwich. By this point I was beyond exhaustion and beyond hunger. With the nurse watching James, I fled to the donut shop, where I got a sandwich and a cup of coffee. Then, in a bid to extend my freedom for a little longer, I went into the gift shop and got James a new Cars toy and a book.

Back upstairs, I drank my coffee and ate half of the sandwich. I promptly threw both of them up.

Lovely. Just as my son is getting better, now I start to get sick?

Since I have not had a repeat episode since then, I am assuming that my system was just responding to exhaustion, and that the shock of actually receiving food for the first time in 24 hours was a bit too much for my body.

In the late afternoon, the pediatrician came in and declared James almost well enough to go home. He was hydrated again, he was drinking on his own, and he had even managed a bit of food. All we were waiting for, she said, was for him to pee. Once he had peed, we would know that fluids were getting both into and out of his system OK. In the I.T. world, we would refer to this as end-to-end testing.

A couple of hours later, James’ bladder obliged, and we were given the all-clear to leave. The IV was disconnected, final temperature and blood pressure checks were done, and we were out of there. James was definitely a much more healthy, brighter child than he had been before going in.

It felt almost obscenely good to be back home.

James is OK. George, who was doing a great deal of his own throwing up in our absence, seems to be on the mend. I have not tossed my cookies again (although, to be fair, I haven’t taken a chance on eating either).

Equilibrium seems to be returning…

And I am truly grateful to the doctors and nurses at Centenary Hospital for taking such good care of my baby.

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Taming The “Girls”

The story so far…

December 2009: Gerard proposes to me moments after I become a Canadian citizen. It’s a weird, weird feeling. When I woke up that morning I was an immigrant living in sin. Now I’m a bona fide Canadian living with a fiance in my own country. Sounds a lot more respectable, doesn’t it?

January 2010: Gerard’s Mom, who can work miracles with a bit of fabric and a sewing machine, offers to make my wedding dress. This is an offer I am thrilled to accept. My future mother-in-law will make something way better than anything I’d buy in a store. For some reason, I remember that this happens on the same day on which I get my new laptop and my then four-year-old sweetly asks his Dad, “Where’s the f*cking donut shop?”

August 2010: Me, Gerard’s Mom, maid-of-honour Michelle, bridesmaid Jenn, and Michelle’s daughter Megan brave the wedding dress stores. We go from place to place and I try on several dresses to get an idea of what looks good. Whatever dress we pick will be the one that my custom-made dress will be modelled off of. As it turns out, the dress that I absolutely love the best is the very first dress I tried on, in the very first store we walked into. Funny how that happens.

September 2010: There is a stupid argument between me and Gerard’s Mom. The details are not important, except for the bit where the offer of a custom-made dress is rescinded. I love the family I’m marrying into, I really do. They are wonderful, wonderful people with gigantic hearts and generous spirits. It’s just that from time to time, they turn into drama queens.

October 2010: Me and future mother-in-law have a civilized conversation in which we calmly discuss the misunderstanding. The offer of a dress is reinstated and accepted. We are back on track! Me, mother-in-law, and her sister head to Toronto’s bridal shopping district to get fabric and lace for the dress (do you KNOW how expensive lace is? Baffling!). Within days I am being measured and a prototype made out of cotton is being fitted on me.

And now, the story continues…

About two weeks ago, the almost-complete wedding dress was fitted on me. To say that it looks gorgeous would be an understatement. The lace and beadwork on it is a true work of art, it is cut in lines that flatter my body, the colour complements the tone of my skin perfectly. The only problem was that the bra I was using to try on the dress with was – well, crappy.

Yes, I am indeed discussing my underwear in a public blog. Just thought I’d clarify that point.

It only makes sense for me to be fitted in the dress while wearing the bra I will actually wear on the day of my wedding, and the bra I was using was definitely not it. In fact, that bra is headed for the garbage can very soon.

Last week I went bra-shopping. I did not go bra-shopping in the way I usually do, which is to go to Wal-Mart and pick up the cheapest bra I can find, which generally turns out to be about as supportive as a piece of dental floss. No, this time, I went to a specialist bra shop. One of those places where you get ushered into a change room the size of my living room and offered a pair of slippers and a soft, fluffy dressing gown. The bra specialist (seriously, the word “assistant” is not enough for what this woman does) fussed around me with a tape measure, and then brought me a selection of bras to try on.

It turns out that my knockers are a lot bigger than I thought they were.

I walked out of there with a lovely new bra that I knew would complete the look of the wedding dress. I confess that my eyes popped when I saw that I was paying $90. For a bra! Bear in mind, I’m used to paying fifteen bucks at Wal-Mart, but then again, at Wal-Mart I’m not exactly paying for quality.

This is a quality bra. It will give me all the support I need.

I took it home, put it on, and tried on the dress. It looked stunning. Looking at myself in the mirror wearing the dress, I was convinced that the bra was worth every penny of the ninety dollars.

There was just one thing…

The dress was too loose around the hips. I’m not saying I had a little bit of wiggle room, I’m saying I had an entire gigantic wiggle house. The bit around the hips had to taken in substantially. Once that was done, I looked in the mirror with my mother-in-law beside me, and both of us sighed with contentment.

“You’ve lost a lot of weight since you were measured,” said my mother-in-law. Words that every woman loves to hear.

Today I will continue on my quest for my shoes. I still don’t have the damned shoes!

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Sick Child, Sleepless Night

When you receive a call from your child’s daycare that includes the words “vomiting” and “diarrhea”, you know your day is about to take a nosedive.

Yesterday morning, I arrived at work and went straight into a meeting without even going to my desk first. After the meeting, I returned to my desk and saw the message light on my phone blinking. Three new messages. All of them from James’ daycare teacher, asking begging for someone to pick him up and take him home.

This was a problem for me, since I was sitting in my office at work, more than an hour away by public transit. I called my mother-in-law, who is listed on James’ paperwork as a designated pick-up person. She didn’t answer her phone. I called Gerard, whose place of business is ten minutes’ drive away. He didn’t answer his phone. For about twenty minutes, I was frantically calling the two numbers in turn, picturing my poor child huddled over miserably at the daycare. In the end, my mother-in-law picked him up, and took care of him for the day until Gerard and I were able to get home.

During the night, things got really rough. Right before bedtime, James twisted around to throw up again, into the plastic basin that he had placed beside him. As he twisted, he dinged his knee very hard on the metal frame of the futon he was lying on. All of a sudden, his knee was as much of a problem (although a less messy one) than the fact that he was sick.

He was crying because his stomach was hurting. He was crying because his knee was hurting. He was crying because he felt bad about messing up his clothes. He was crying because he was hurting with thirst and couldn’t keep anything down.

My poor baby.

I lay down with him and tried to sleep.

That didn’t work out too well. During the night, there were two episodes of vomiting and one of diarrhea, along with many, many cries of pain because of the sore knee. I iced and bandaged the knee, and that seemed to help. I dressed James in clean pyjamas, and that made him feel better. I gave him sips of flat Coke, and he managed to keep that down.

Finally my boy went to sleep.

I did not. By now my mind was racing a million miles a minute. I was thinking of anything and everything. Rest was out of the question. Finally, at around 6:00 a.m., I fell into a fitful sleep, only to be woken up half an hour later.

Going to work today was out of the question. James, while a lot better, needs to be at home, and he needs his Mommy with him. Meanwhile, Mommy’s brain is in a complete fog. I tried to do some work from home, but in the end, I decided to take the day off. Work in any reasonable form was just not going to happen today.

On the bright side, we have had about seven hours now with no throwing up, and about five hours with no diarrhea.

Things are looking up.

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Racing For Autism

I have all kind of things pinned up on the walls of my workstation. There is the requisite work-related stuff (contact sheets, cost centre codes, month-end dates, cheat sheets on how to use the corporate phone system, and so on). Then, because I am a parent, I have artwork by my kids proudly on display (three masterpieces by each child). I have a card that my coworkers gave me along with a cake to celebrate the dual occasion of my citizenship and my engagement (to clarify: I have the card. The cake is long gone). There is my Cake Wrecks calendar, which is so funny that the tears of mirth streaming down my face make my mascara run (this week’s page has pictures of Valentines cakes with icing messages on them reading, “Sorry for stealing your boyfriend”, “Nobody loves you”, and “I didn’t like you that much anyway”).

Then there is my collection of race numbers. It’s a bit like a brag wall, really, but it’s one that I feel justified in showing off. It feels great to stagger in to the office on the Monday after a race, and pin up a new number. Looking at that number, along with whatever race time was associated with it, somehow makes all of the aches worthwhile. That and the fact that running is just awesome.

My first race after my comeback to running was on September 27th, 2009 – just over sixteen months ago. In those sixteen months, I have run a total of nine races, which collectively covered a distance of 130.3 kilometres or almost 81 miles. This year I will be adding at least another 91 kilometres (56 miles), and quite possibly more.

The truth of the matter is that there is only one race every year that really matters to me. It is the race that got me back into running in the first place, and it the focal point of my racing calendar. Every step I take in training, every other race that I run, leads up to this one. Without this race, I don’t think I would be doing this at all.

It is, of course, my annual Run for Autism, the Scotiabank Toronto Waterfront Marathon, Half-Marathon and 5K.

For several years during my long layoff from running, I tried to get back into it, but there was always a reason for me not to run. When I got that first email from the Geneva Centre for Autism inviting me to sign up for a race to raise funds for autism, I realized that all that had been missing was the right reason to run.

Initially I was going to sign up for the 5K race, knowing that it would be well within reach, but then I thought, “Screw that. Since when do I only do things that I know are within my reach?” I looked at the calendar, did some math, and worked out that in six months, I could just about train for a half-marathon from scratch.

The rest, as they say, is history.

Now I am looking forward to my third annual Run for Autism. I have a lot going on before then – at least four races including the Toronto Women’s Half-Marathon (Shirtless firefighters at the water stations! Free chocolate!). But really, the Autism Run is what it’s all about.

When the going gets tough, all I have to do is remind myself of why I am doing this. Because of a genetic roll of the dice (as I believe) I have a child with autism. Without help along the way, my beautiful boy would be at risk of getting lost in the system, of growing up without any opportunities. Instead, thanks to places like the Geneva Centre, the world is within his grasp. He has a lifetime of challenges, and his life will never be quite the same as most people’s – but along with the challenges comes opportunity.

My Autism Runs are all about raising funds for those services, to ultimately help make the world a better place for George and for other people like him.

Because really, look at him. Is this not a face totally worth running for?

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Ashes And Roses

It is with a bittersweet feeling that I pay tribute to both of my parents on the anniversary of their marriage. The sweet part of the equation stems from the fact that my parents had a fantastic marriage. They had a deep, profound love for one another and apart from the occasional spat, they treated each other with the utmost respect. I could not have asked for better role models to show me just what a loving, solid marriage should look like.

The bitterness, of course, is because Dad is no longer with us. Today, Mom is in Cape Town without her beloved husband by her side, gazing longingly into the sea in which she placed his ashes six years ago today, on what would have been their 40th wedding anniversary.

As I reflect on this day, I cannot help but contemplate my own relationship with Gerard, now almost a decade old, and our own upcoming wedding. For all intents and purposes, we are already married. We have been living together for a long time, we have created new human beings, and our union is legally recognized as a spousal relationship. But still, getting married will, I believe, add a new kind of depth to our relationship. We see it as the chance of a new beginning, a new and wonderful chapter in our lives.

People ask why we waited for long to get married; why, indeed, we are bothering to get married at all. The answer, quite simply, is that we have arrived at a point in our life together where we feel that we can get married. You see, Gerard and I have been through a lot. We have survived a great deal: the loss of both of our fathers, my post-partum depression following the birth of James, George’s autism diagnosis, near-bankruptcy, to name but a few. Our relationship has been placed under unbelievable strain; it has reached the breaking point.

But when it reached the breaking point, it didn’t break. Somehow we saw our way through all of the dark times. We found a way to stick together, to emerge from that terrible bleakness and desolation as a pair, as an integrated whole. We know what we are capable of surviving. Neither of us could imagine life without the other one. We feel that we have earned the privilege of being married to each other.

I cannot wait. I am really, really excited when I think about the day I will exchange wedding vows with my beloved, in front of friends and family. It will be an amazing feeling, walking down the aisle on the arm of my brother, and then looking into Gerard’s eyes as I declare my eternal love for him. Mom will likely shed some tears, but there will be happy tears mixed in with the sad.

It makes me sad, knowing that I will not get a father-daughter dance with Dad. But I know he will be there, hopefully nodding with approval and glowing with pride.

February 6th, 2005

Dad has been gone for exactly two months. It is almost sunset.

Mom tentatively carries the urn holding his ashes to the edge of the rocks, with her sister standing a respectful distance behind. Clutching Dad to her heart one last time, she whispers her goodbyes to the wind, and hands the urn to the man standing beside her, the man who is surefooted enough to brave the rocks.

Mom stands beside her sister, and watches as the ashes of her beloved are gently transferred from the urn to the sea, from whence they will travel to who knows where? Many, many rose petals are placed into the sea to travel with the ashes.

Mom watches in silence as the ashes and the rose petals float out into the ocean. The tide is low, the rose petals waft lazily as they escort Dad into the beginning of his eternal travels. Together, the roses and the ashes reach the horizon. With the sun directly behind them, the ocean current moves them around in a small circle, as if they are waving goodbye to the widow standing on the rocks.

Ashes and roses disappear from sight, just as the sun dips below the horizon and closes the chapter on the day.

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I Am Autism

I’m having a bit of trouble writing today. The why’s are not important – suffice it to say that my mind is very unsettled. It cannot land on a single thought and stay there. It’s more like a butterfly, flitting around from here to there, alighting on one thing and staying there for but a moment before it takes off and flies somewhere else. They are elusive today, my thoughts are. Butterflies can, at times, seem lazy. They can seem almost laid-back, drifting and wafting rather than actually flying. But appearances are deceiving: despite the oft-times calming nature of their flight, butterflies can be very hard to catch.

I cannot catch my thoughts today.

So instead of actually trying to write something coherent myself, I want to share something that was emailed to me. It is quite profound, and obviously, it strikes quite a chord in me.

I Am Autism
By Marty Murphy

Hello. Allow me to introduce myself to you. My name is autism. Perhaps you know
me or know of me. I am a condition, “disorder” that affects many people. I
strike at will, when and where I want. Unlike Downs Syndrome or other birth
“defects,” I leave no marks on those I strike. In fact, I pride myself on the
ability to infiltrate a child’s life, while leaving him or her strikingly
handsome. Many people may not even know I am there. They blame the child for
what I cause him or her to do. I am autism and I do as I please.

I am autism. I strike boys and girls. infants and toddlers. I find my best
victims to be boys around the age of 2, but any child will do. I like children
and they are always the true victims, though I take hostage the others in the
child’s family as well. It is a bit like getting two for the price of one. I
affect one child and “infect” the entire family.

I am autism. I strike rich and poor alike. The rich combat me with education and
therapy. The poor shut their children away and cannot afford to fight me. I am
able to win in the lives of poor children more than I am those of the wealthy,
but I will try to take root anywhere.

I am autism. I am an equal opportunity disorder. I strike whites, blacks,
Mexicans, Ukrainians, Russians, Poles, Slavs, Japanese, Koreans and Fins. In
fact, I strike everywhere on Earth. I know no geographical bounds.

I am autism. I do not discriminate based upon religion either. I strike Jews and
Christians, Muslims and Buddhists, Atheists and Agnostics. I do not care what
religion a person is or what beliefs he may hold. When I strike, there will be
little time for any of that anyway. When they find me, they will question
everything they believe in, so why would I strike only one group? I have
affected followers of every religion on the planet.

I am autism and I am strong and getting stronger every year, every month, every
day, every minute and every second. I am concerned that money might be allotted
to combat me and my takeover of children, but so far, I have little to fear.
Some countries like Kuwait, are spending quite a bit of money to assist those
who I have targeted and some, like the United States, would rather spend money
on such ludicrous things as discovering the number of American Indians who
practice Voodoo, as opposed to combating me. In an atmosphere such as that, I
can flourish and wreck havoc at will. In places such as that, I rub my hands
with glee at the problems I can cause to children, their families and to the
society at large.

I am autism. When I come, I come to stay. I take the dreams and hopes of
families and trample them with delight. I see the fear and confusion in the eyes
of my victims and see the formation of wrinkles, the worries and pain on the
face of their parents. I see the embarrassment their child causes because of me
and the parents unsuccessful attempt to hide their child, and me. I see tears
the parents cry and feel the tears of their child. I am autism. I leave sorrow
in my wake.

I am autism. I taketh away and give nothing but bewilderment and loathing in
return. I take speech and learning. I take socialization and understanding. I
take away “common sense” and, if I am allowed to flourish, I take away all but
their physical life. What I leave behind, is almost worse than death.

I am autism. I fear nothing except courage, which I thankfully see little of. I
fear those who take a stand against me and attempt to fight me and bring others
into the fight as well. I fear those who try to make it safe and easier for my
victims in the community, and their families. I fear those who push ahead,
despite the fact that I am in tow. I fear the day I will be eradicated from the
planet. Yet, I do not fear too much right now. There is no need.

I am autism and I bet you know me or know of me. If you don’t, you probably will
soon. I am marching forward faster than I ever have before. I am looking for new
children all the time. I am looking for new children to consume and new lives to
destroy. I dread the day I will be looked upon with pity or worse yet,
understanding, for that day, is the day I will begin to die.

But in the mean time I am safe, free to prowl onward. Free to cause the pain and
suffering that I do so well. I am on a mission and have much work to do and
thankfully no one is stopping me yet.

Hello. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is autism. Perhaps you know me or
know of me, if not don’t worry, you will meet me soon.

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Toy Story: The Autism Family Version

Last night, my younger son James bravely waded through the treacherous sea of toys in our living room. When he reached the corner he started digging in toyboxes and didn’t stop until he had unearthed this car ramp toy. You use this toy by driving your toy car into this little elevator, which you then raise up until the car is on the flat roof. You can then push the car around on the roof, or send it rolling down one of the two ramps. For a kid obsessed with Lightning McQueen and Doc Hudson (raise your hand if you recognize the references) this toy is like a slice of heaven.

James took the toy to an unoccupied space on the living room floor (i.e. a spot where he wasn’t knee-deep in other toys) and started playing with it. He was having a wonderful time. Lightning and Doc were racing down the ramps, Mater was driving backwards on the roof, and the Dinoco helicopter was flying overhead. It was all very exciting.

The peace was shattered when George came into the room and saw that the toy had been moved. George doesn’t like it when things are moved. He gets anxious, he starts shrieking and insisting that the item be put back. And so all hell broke loose.

George was grabbing at James’ toy, I was grabbing at George and telling him that James has to be allowed to move his own things around, and poor James was crying because of the sudden chaos. My husband succeeded in arm-wrestling George to a different room, where he tried to engage him in distracting activities. I stayed with James and played with him, but the sparkle had gone. James played half-heartedly while listening to George’s cries coming from a different part of the house.

James gave up on his play and said to me, “Mommy, George can put the toy back if he wants. I love him and I don’t want him to be sad.” He ran out of the room and relayed the message to his Dad. Gerard brought George back in, and George put the toy back in its place with James watching. James kept on telling me that this was what he wanted, but he wasn’t fooling me. I could see the sadness and disappointment in his eyes.

How amazing is this child? Despite my best efforts to equalize things, James does on numerous occasions get the short end of the stick because of George’s autism. And yet he is so brave, so giving and caring. He shows a maturity and wisdom that, while touching me to my very soul, makes me feel really sad. Not to mention the fact that it makes me explode with pride at the caring, sharing person my child is growing up to be.

He’s only five, but in some ways he misses out on being like a regular five-year-old. I want James to be able to play with his toys. I want him to be able to race his cars down that ramp, and I want George to be OK and anxiety-free about it.

I want both of my boys to be happy, and I find it so hard sometimes when one of them is happy at the expense of the other one.

What a tricky balancing act.

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Best Vacation Ever

These pictures were taken during the Best Holiday Ever, back in 2008. Gerard and I packed the boys up along with five hundred of their favourite belongings, and drove down to New York.  While we were on the road, my mother was in the air, flying in from South Africa.  We all met up at my brother’s Manhattan apartment, spent a night there, and then drove to Long Island the following day, where we spent two of the happiest and most carefree weeks I can remember.

We planned the crap out of this vacation: knowing how all of the changes associated with vacations can affect a child with autism, we had to be prepared. There was some concern that we were “overplanning”.

It paid off, though.  Thanks to all of the planning, George had all of his routines in place, along with all of the things associated with those routines, even though we were in unfamiliar surroundings.

The house we stayed in (borrowed from a friend of my brother’s) was a hit.  The beach was a hit.  Most of all, being with my mom and my brother made the vacation something truly special.

Negotiating early morning Manhattan traffic at the end of a 12-hour drive

Almost there! Driving to my brother's apartment.

George gazing off into the distance

James, enjoying his first time on a real beach!

Drawing in the sand with James

George on tippy-toes - love this picture!

James watches as I bury George in the sand (Mom and brother are in the background)

Like I said, it was the Best Vacation Ever.  I even got to go running a couple of times!